Monologue

Extract from Alan Ayckbourn's play Confusions 

Thanks. Sorry, only the man over there won’t stop talking. I wanted to read this in peace. I couldn’t concentrate. He just kept going on and on about his collections or something. I normally don’t mind too much, only if you get a letter like this, you need all your concentration. You can’t have people talking in your ear – especially when you’re trying to

decipher writing like this. He must have been stoned out of his mind when he wrote it. It wouldn’t be unusual.  Look at it. He wants me to come back. Some hopes. To him. He’s sorry, he didn’t mean to do what he did, he won’t do it again I promise, etc., etc. I seem to have heard that before. It’s not the first time, I can tell you. And there’s no excuse for it, is there? Violence. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Keep going back to that? Every time he loses his temper he … I mean, there’s no excuse. A fracture, you know. It was nearly a compound fracture. That’s what they told me. (indicating her head) Right here. You can practically see it to this day. Two X-rays. I said to him when I got home, I said, “You illegitimate person, you know what you did to my head?” He just stands there. The way he does. “Sorry,” he says, “I’m ever so sorry.” I told him, I said, “You’re a illegitimate person, that’s what you are. A right, uncontrolled, violent, bad-tempered illegitimate person.” You know what he said? He says, “You call me a illegitimate person again and I’ll smash your stupid face in”.

Hi. No thanks, no coffee for me. I did go, I told you I would go and you didn’t believe me. I sat in that green plastic chair and waited half an hour for the appointment you booked. I showed up and guess who didn’t? Her. The woman who you booked me in with. Just didn’t show, not for half an hour! Then she waltzes in all cheerful, asking how my day was. I told her, “My day was better until I had to wait for you” I said. She laughed. I wasn’t laughing, Sue. There were many other things I could have got done, but you insisted. So I went, just for you and I hope you’re happy now – happy I wasted two hours of my life nattering on about it to a stranger. Lovely. Anyway, we hardly spoke about me. Claudine, that’s what her name is, just had a tricky argument with her son! Thinks he’s got his girlfriend pregnant, she does. Was nearly in tears! I had to offer her a tissue to blow her nose in. (laughs forcefully) So, you see, I did go to my appointment but I shant be going to the next, I don’t need any help…especially not when I’ve got to pay the bus fare to get there. Bus was late too! They are so ridiculous, unreliable, bloody buses! I ended up being late myself, but still Claudia was later than I! Cancel the next one, Sue. They’re unnecessary; it’s good that I gave it a go though, isn’t it?