HUNGRY HAMSTERS
‘Hamster, Hamster, what cute teeth
you have!’ ‘All the better to kill all you love with.’
Jade Ford
The Guardian, Monday 6 October 14.00 BST
Animals are monsters. To be more precise, it is the rodents
that are monsters; rats, mice and hamsters. Having them as a pet is a risky,
life threatening choice. Life threatening for the other animals in your house.
I warn you now, keep that colossal being by itself, it will naw (viciously) and
claw (with brutal force) at its prey, and its prey will be something you love.
You might ask why I feel so strongly
against these furry beings. There is a story behind this, a gruesome,
heart-breaking story that will leave you clutching your computer mouse, your
iPad, your laptop screen for comfort as you cry. This story is not for the
fainthearted. At eight years old I came down the stairs to find a bloody dead
body in the hall. I had been happy, ready to go to my violin lesson when
everything changed. In amongst the sawdust, the toys, lay Pepper the little,
innocent dwarf hamster, her stomach gashed open by little teeth, resting finally
at peace. The ordeal she must have been through as Salt ate her made me miss my
violin lesson and eventually quit. Salt didn’t care. Salt ran around the cage
like a lunatic, happy enough though the love of his life (as I liked to think
of them as a married couple before my innocence met an abrupt end) was now
being digested in his stomach. The worst part of Salt’s sudden change of diet
was the amount of actual hamster food that was ready, waiting to be eaten.
There were enough sunflower seeds to create a football pitch of sunflowers and
enough grains for an eight year old me to eat as a full main course, without
wanting to eat a hand sized hamster. But no, Salt ate Pepper (ironic, I know.)
Nevertheless, hamsters are known as household pets. Children
stare wide eyed at the rodents in Pet’s At Home, begging their parents for
these things for their birthday,
Christmas, any occasion – they want it: even though their miniscule bites will
leave you running for a plaster and then clutching your fingers for hours. They
might look cute, they might seem harmless, but those empty beady eyes are as
black as their souls, if they even
possess them anyway. If you are unfortunate enough to come in contact
with a red eyed monster, fear them. Even their stare is creepy.
An evil being attempting to be cute
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